NoBull.ws - Skeptics have a sense of humor, too.

A healthy dose of reality, with no superstition, and absolutely . . .

No Bull Banner

Making science and critical thinking so simple you can understand and so interesting you'll want to learn.

Donations

Some visitors to this site have asked how they can donate money to No Bull to help us pay expenses. The simplest way is to click the PayPal "Donate" button below and use a debit or credit card. We very much appreciate your contributions to No Bull.

Because of our activist nature, gifts to No Bull are not tax deductible; and we hate that as much as you do. For more information, see our Terms Page.

On the Origin of Species

by Charles Darwin

I have Charles Darwin's seminal book, On the Origin of Species, in PDF format, compatible with virtually every kind of computer. Give me your first name and email address, and I'll send you a link to a FREE, downloadable copy. You may read it on your own computer screen, print it, or even let your computer read it to you aloud for your pleasure and education. It's a fascinating book.

In addition, I'll send you a short email every month or two -- or less -- when I make significant changes or additions to the No Bull Website. Click here for your gifts.

I'll never share your name or email address, and you can easily stop the Updates any time you choose.

Table of Contents

Click the down arrow to make your selection.

The items in this Table of Contents are divided into categories, but there is a lot of overlap in some cases. For this reason, a few articles may be listed in two or more areas.

Giggles

O Ye of Little Faith

There was no place to get a drink for miles, so a local entrepreneur started building a tavern.

To keep the town dry, the local church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to keep the new business from opening. The potential tavern owner was polite when people came to protest, but he continued working on the tavern.

The night before grand opening, lightning struck his new building and it burned to the ground.

The church members were rather smug for a while -- until the entrepreneur sued the church for the destruction of his building, either directly or indirectly. The church naturally denied any responsibility for the building's destruction.

At the hearing, the judge called the lawyers, the tavern owner, and the church officials into his chambers. Then, holding up the paperwork, he told them, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn't."

Your Assignment: Read Mark 17

The minister told his congregation, "Next Sunday I plan to talk about the sin of lying. To lay a foundation for my sermon, I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark this week."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, he asked for a show of hands. "How many of you read Mark chapter 17, as I asked you to?" Every hand went up.

As he looked slowly around, he smiled and faintly shook his head. "Mark has only sixteen chapters," he said. "Now let's discuss what the Lord has to say about lying."

Shirley Who?

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The friend said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? '

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically while screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! Why does he have all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said, 'JESUS SAVES!'

There is the story of a lady who never spoke ill of anybody.

“I believe you would say something good even about the Devil,” a friend told her.

“Well,” she said, “you certainly have to admire his persistence.”

You knew there had to be at least one joke about a preacher, a priest, and a rabbi. Actually, the rabbi could have been an immam, since there are about as many Muslims as Jews in the US; but this is how I heard it.

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the same university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they got together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, on crutches, his arm in a sling, with various bandages, spoke first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb! The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, an arm and both legs in casts, and with an intravenous drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me, so I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul! And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of time praising Jesus. YEA brother!"

They both turned to the rabbi who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction, with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was obviously in bad shape. The rabbi squinted up at them and said, "Looking back on it, maybe I should have tried discussing a few other things with my bear before bringing up the concept of circumcision."

Sorry. I just HAD to include this one.

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

You've probably heard this one before. It's been around at least since I was a kid, and that was a loooong time ago. Let it be a reminder that there are times to keep one's mouth shut.

The woman had to do a lot of traveling by airplane for her business; but flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along and read it to help her relax. (Yeah, I know. She must have chosen her passages carefully. Some parts would have scared her half to death, but I guess she ignored those parts. Most people do.)

Anyway, she was sitting next to a man this time. When she pulled out her Bible he chuckled. After awhile he asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

She replied, "Of course I do. It's the Bible."

He asked, "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by the whale?"

She replied, "Jonah? Yes I believe that. The Bible says it, so it must be true."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

She said, "I don't know. Maybe I'll ask him when I get to heaven."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked.

"Then you can ask him," she replied.

I couldn't resist this one, either.

God comes down to check things out one day. He goes up to a guy and says, "If you give me $50 to show your faith in me, I'll give you everlasting life."

The man replies, "I'm an atheist. You don't exist, so that would be a poor investment risk."

Next, He approaches another guy and makes the same offer. That fellow says, "I'm an agnostic, but I'll give you the money just in case." He hands over a $50 bill.

As God selects someone else to approach, another man comes running up to him. "I don't give a hoot who you are," the chubby man says to the lord, "but I'm Pat Robertson, and I'll give you $500 if you show me the trick you did on the second guy!"

There may be times when the scripture is as powerful as the believers say, if it's used properly. ;-)

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (The verse says, "Repent, and be baptized ... in the name of Jesus Christ.")

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

This one's too scary to pass up, about a guy ordering a pizza a few years from now.

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Dome. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 555-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 555-2302 and your cell number is 555-2566. Email address is sheehan @ home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free two-liter Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Dome.

This page was last updated 08/21/09 06:14 PM.

Thanks for visiting. Please bookmark No Bull and come back often.

Copyright 2005, 2008, 2009 Bill Dearmore. Permission is granted to republish most (but not all) articles from the No Bull Website with appropriate citation. Please see our Copyright Page for details and be sure to read our General Information Page.